Day 2: A New Normal

My dad died when I was 8. I clearly remember the days following his death, I just wanted life to be normal again. I wanted to see my mom smile, I wanted to go to school and play with my friends, and I kept waiting for my dad to walk through the door saying, "surprise! It was all just a nightmare, I'm here!" That of course never happened. Pretending life was "normal" and trying to make my mom laugh was part of my new routine-- it was my way of dealing with the loss of my father. Eventually we adapted to his absence, life went on, and we created a new "normal."

Today, I feel like that 8 year old girl trying to wish things back to the way they were. When I awoke early this morning after a fitful nights sleep, I thought maybe everything was okay. Maybe it really was just a bad dream after all... But when I rolled over and saw the sadness consuming my husband, I knew that this nightmare was the beginning of our new normal. 

The initial shock has worn off a bit, and now there is a process to be followed. I had to go to the store to pick up flowers and a card for Wilma. Shit, what kind of flowers do you buy? Not too cheery and bright, not too morbid... A card had to be picked out-- all of them were terrible. Not one card depicted the words and emotions that I needed to express. Hell, I can't even formulate the words to describe how I feel, or how I feel for Wilma. 

Rob must go to Wilma's house with the other Dutch pilot and the Commander. Hugs will be given, tears will be shed, a wave of emotions will flood the room. But nothing can be done now. These are all just steps that must be taken for everyone to begin adapting to the new normal.

I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. It's hard to breathe. All I want to do is scream and cry, but I feel as if my voice is broken and my tears are dried up. Rob is hanging in there, and as good as can be for having just experienced the most traumatic day of his life. 

We've received many e-mails, phone calls, and texts full of love and support. I thank every one of you for them. The outflow of support that we've received is amazing, and much needed. As much as I would love to respond to everyone, I just don't have the energy to. So please, take this blog post as a big THANK YOU to each and every one of you for showing your love and support in the past 24 hours.

Please keep Wilma, Richard's wife, in your hearts. She is the one that needs the most support right now. We love you all, and I will try to keep everyone updated as regularly as possible. 

XOXO, Whitney